Twilight Turns Awesome
by firacentra
Summary: My version of Twilight, with Bella as an awesome person and all the vampires as sucky, disgusting creatures.
1. Prologue

**A/N: My friend ciratoza and I are huge critics, and so for those of you that love Twilight or Warriors, then keep your snotty comments to yourself. This is my version of how Twilight **_**should**_** have gone.**

Bella was about to walk aboard the stupid, tiny little plane that was about to take her from Phoenix, Arizona to Forks, Washington. Not that she cared. She just cared that her awesomeness would finally be spread to some other state than boring old poophead Arizona. She snapped her gum and blew a bubble in some random guy's face. Her mom started bawling stuff like, "…and your father will be soooo proud!" "Whaddever," Bella smirked at her crybaby mother. She stalked up the steps and into the plane. A teenager trying to sneak cigarettes pushed past her, and Bella yelled after him, "Watch where you're going, _bubby_!"

The rest of the ride basically went the same way, with Bella yelling random threats and criticism at random people. When she arrived in Forks and got to her dad's house, she yelled at him, "Where's my car? You DID get me a _car_, DIDN'T YOU?" Her dad swallowed nervously. "I did, but…" his voice trailed off.

Bella stomped off to see the car her dad had gotten her.


	2. Chapter 1

**A/N: Thanks to my **_**only **_**reviewer, Shenanigan Riddled Bumblebee! Since I only got one review, I'm not updating after this until I get at least 5 reviews! Oh yeah, and just to warn you, one of the characters is gonna be a hippie! Not telling you who! **

**Disclaimer: I don't own Twilight or any Twilight characters, only the attitudes I gave them.**

Bella saw the old pick-up truck her dad had given her. Her jaw dropped. "WHAT? AFTER ALL THIS TIME, ALL YOU GET ME IS A STUPID, BORING OLD _PICK-UP TRUCK_! I WANT A FERRARI! NOW! GO GET ME A FERRARI!" Her dad, who was obviously too afraid to argue, complied and spent most of his money on a bright red Ferrari. Bella took the keys from him huffily. She had arrived in Forks in the early morning, so she had to go to school without even stepping inside the house first. On her way to school, Bella crashed into just about every car she didn't think was awesome enough, and that was pretty much every single car there was.

By the time she had gotten onto the highway, her Ferrari was battered so badly it could've come from the junkyard. When the school came into sight, Bella screamed to no one in particular, "THIS RUN-DOWN LITTLE COTTAGE IS SUPPOSED TO BE A _SCHOOL_?" Crashing into about another 30 cars, Bella made her way to the school.

When she got to the office, she was given a slip that she had to get all her teachers to sign. She huffily stalked down the steps of the office, and walked all the way across the "cottage" and arrived at her first class, English. "Sign this!" Bella stuck her slip into her English teacher's face. Luckily, this teacher was one of the nice, easy-going teachers, so of course she took the slip and signed it. "Class, listen up! We have a new student today, and her name is Isabella Swan. Isabella, do you want to introduce yourself?"

Walking up to the front of the classroom, Bella told the class, "All you need to know about me is that I'm so totally awesome that you shouldn't call me Isabella. Call me Bella. Oh yeah, and my last name isn't gonna be Swan. Swan is _way_ too prissy. Call me Bella Awesomeness." "Okayyy…." The teacher slowly turned her head back to the board and continued with class.

Most of her classes went like that until lunch. By the time it was lunch, Bella had successfully annoyed 3 teachers, and insulted the rest. She walked off to lunch, not noticing that she had left a trail of astonished classmates in her wake. She plopped down at a random table after she had bought her lunch, and a bunch of other girls sat with her. "Who are _they_?" Bella asked snarkily, pointing to a bunch of teenagers that looked, well…

**A/N: Hee hee! Cliffie! We were doing limericks in school today, and this is one I came up with (it doesn't rhyme, but whatever):**

**There once was a book called Twilight,**

**It sucked like heck so I killed it,**

**So now that it's gone, **

**And let us rejoice,**

**Or else you shall bow down to mwa.**


	3. Chapter 2

**A/N: Thank you ciratoza! I'm not gonna wait for 5 reviews cause I'm probably never gonna get them. So whatever. Sorry for the last chapter being so short.**

**Disclaimer: Bella, why don't you say the disclaimer. "What? Fine! Be that way! Firacentra doesn't own Twilight cause I'm in it and I'm too awesome to own." And… "Sheesh! She doesn't own the characters or plot either!" Thank you Bella. **

** …**_hideous._ "Oh… them." The other girls automatically started looking dreamy and mushy. "Uh… peoples? Why can you NOT see that those teenagers have the ugliest mugs in the _millennia_?" Bella asked the girls, with one eyebrow raised. They naturally ignored her and went on daydreaming.

Bella stood up huffily. "I'll show them," she muttered to herself. She stomped over to the ugly teenagers. She was pondering which one to punch in the face when the one with what the girls called "sparkling bronze hair" (Bella herself preferred "dirty poo hair") suddenly looked up and waved at someone across the cafeteria. A small, shorty girl waved back. **A/N: The vampires don't have "special powers" cause that's just stupid. Oh yeah, and they aren't fast or have good hearing or anything either. That's stupid too. And they can get bruised, hurt, broken bones, whatever. And they're not "hard and cold". That's also stupid.**

Bella decided to punch the poo hair dude. Walking up to him, she said, "Hey!" He looked up, startled. She punched him in the face just as he was turning his head. Bella stalked back to her table, victorious. All the girls were looking at her, and they seemed "upset". Okay, that was the understatement of the century.

"What. Did. You. DOOO?" One of the girls shrieked. Bella shrugged. "I just showed him who's awesome." The girls gaped. A couple of boys didn't see this, and thought Bella looked "pretty". He walked over. "Hey, do you want me to walk you over to your next class?" He asked. His name was Eric. "Who do you think you're talking to? NO, I would NOT like you to "walk me over"!" was Bella's typical response.

When she got to her next class, she was late. Unluckily, this teacher wasn't one of those nice ones. "WHAT WERE YOU DOING?" Well, the exchange didn't go well. Bella had to sit next to the poo hair guy. He pointedly ignored her, and she punched him again when the teacher wasn't looking. He was about to exclaim in protest when the teacher turned her head and asked him a question.

He answered and turned back to his work. At the end of class, Bella went to the bathroom, got into a fight with some girls putting on makeup and admiring themselves, and shouted at them. After the rest of her classes (which didn't go so well), she drove home, and since she wasn't in too good a mood, she crashed into about 80 cars this time.

When she got home, she shouted to her dad, "My Ferrari is busted! Get me a new one!" Of course her dad listened to her. He was in debt now. He showed her to her room.

"THIS IS MY ROOM! IT'S A CLOSET!" Her dad was expecting this and gave her his room while he hired people to build a huge room for her. He owed about a million bucks to the bank now. Literally.

Bella yelled at her dad, "I'M GONNA GO INTO THE FOREST FOR A WALK!" Her dad obviously let her. When she walked into the forest, it was suddenly darker. Another person ran in front of her. "You look… delicious…"

**A/N: I just love cliffies, don't you? These are all gonna be short cause I feel like it.**


	4. Chapter 3

**A/N: Sorry for taking so long to update! My computer got a stupid virus, and yeah… Anyways, here's chapter 3!**

**Disclaimer: Edward? "Huh? Wha.." THE DISCLAIMER! "Oh… right, yeah. Firacentra doesn't own Twilight or the characters, cause Bella is a character and she too violent to be able to own." Thank you, but the Bella part was unneeded. "But she hit me!" So?**

"Who are you?" Bella asked the person snottily. "I'm _the_ Amazing and Frightening JAMES!"

"Uh huh. I'm not buyin' it." Bella had a look of boredom on her face, but she was actually shouting in her head, "GET OUTTA MY FACE SO I CAN BEAT YOU UP ALREADY!" James hesitated.

"Well… you're sorta supposed to be like, scared right now, so I would appreciate it if you… yeah…"

No response.

"GET SCARED ALREADY!"

No response.

"HURRY UP AND BE SCARED SO I CAN DRINK YOUR BLOOD!"

No response.

Bella was getting ready to punch him in the face when a sweaty, slowly jogging Edward came along. "Don't worry! I'm coming!" Edward came along, panting like HECK. He took James up, then dropped him, seeing as James was putting on weight.

Edward tried to take him up again, but once again failed. He gave James a pitiful kick, and left him there, slightly dazed. "I SAVED you, my _love_!"

"Ahem. Ahem. Hem hem, hem hem. I would like to announce that the winner of the most INTERUPTING award must go to… THIS GUY STANDING IN FRONT OF ME, RUINING MY BEAUTIFUL SUNSHINEY DAY!" Bella poured out the sarcasm. She kicked Edward in a sensitive place. "OWWEEE! She KICKED me!"

Bella rolled her eyes. "Goodbye, SUCKERS!" Right then, James came to. "Peace out, dudes!" He ran out of the woods. "Hhhh. They left me _all _alone…" Edward sighed. **A/N: Edward is a crybaby and screams like a girl.**

When Bella got home, Charlie asked, "Do you want to go to La Push?" Bella sighed dramatically, "Oh well. I have nothing better to do. This Ala Bush place doesn't seem very interesting, though. What were they supposed to be worshipping again? Bunny rabbits?"

Charlie wasn't listening, and Bella didn't really care. While Charlie got in her new Ferrari, she shouted, "GET OUTTA MY FERRARI!" He changed to his cruiser, and followed behind Bella, who was driving at about 250 mph. When they arrived at La Push, Charlie got out of his cruiser and started a boring chat with Billy. Bella, however, got out of her Ferrari and went searching for someone to punch in the gut.

Some random boy came up. "Hi, I'm Jacob and I live here!" **A/N: Jacob has mental problems.**

"Uh huh. That's nice." Bella stressed "nice", and sarcasm heavily dripped from the sentence. Of course, since Jacob was mental, he nodded open-mouthed like an idiot. Bella rolled her eyes.

"The Cullens are vampires." Jacob said, and walked away, dreaming about a date with Rosalie. Bella rolled her eyes; she knew that.

**A/N: Heehee. It's short again. Oh well. By the way, Edward **_**did**_** go out of the forest later, in case you're wondering, which you're probably not. But whatever. Oh yeah, he tripped on the way out. Thought you might like to know. Anyways, sorry again for not updating for so long!**


	5. Chapter 4

**A/N: Hey guys! I'm sorta upset, cause none of you are reviewing, besides Shenanigan Riddled Bumblebee and ciratoza, and I've gotten 157 hits! I mean, would it be that hard to just give an author some advice or just comment on the story? This time I am absolutely NOT updating till I get my 5 reviews. Really peoples. It's not hard. So, Jacob?**

**Disclaimer: **

**Huh? **

**Ahem. The **_**disclaimer, **_**Jacob. **

**Oh. Uh huh.**

…**so? **

**Ohhhh! Yeah… well, I'm… actually, I haven't the faintest idea how to do this.**

**Of course you don't.**

**Nope! Not a clue in my Barney- filled brain!**

_**WHAT **_** did you just say? Oh, never mind! I don't own Twilight!**

***Jacob giggles and skips away singing the Barney theme song. "I love you, you love me…"* **

**Ugh.**

When it was time for Bella to go home from La Push, she still hadn't found someone good enough to punch in the gut. So Bella stayed at La Push, and Charlie left. Walking around, Bella saw some people cliff-diving. **A/N: I don't care if that's from New Moon! It doesn't matter! I'm not going to do a fic about New Moon, cause that's for Bella and Edward's relationship. **

_Those people must be fun to punch in the gut, especially if they're dumb enough to think that cliff-diving is for "strong" people,_ thought Bella. She stalked over in that wonderful (note the sarcasm) way she does and examined the people, looking at who would be best to punch. Then she saw some beefy fat guy who seemed to be the ringleader. **A/N: Yes, Sam is **_**fat**_**! :D**

He looked nice to punch. She punched him. But of course, that wasn't enough for Bella Awesomeness. She strolled up to the other guys, who were gaping at her. "It's not polite to stare," she snapped at them.

She punched them too. "OWEE MAMA!"

They all shrieked like girls. Bella rolled her eyes and drove home. She was in a good mood, so the speed of her new Ferrari easily reached 370 mph. Somehow, she didn't crash into any cars this time, although it might be due to the fact that there were no cars on the streets at 1 A.M. When she got home, Charlie didn't bother with the normal, "Where have you been?" Instead, he had learned to avoid asking Bella those kind of questions. He would pay if he asked one.

Bella glared at him, just for not being as awesome as her, and strolled down to the kitchen to raid the fridge. "THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE!"

She started shouting, screaming, and throwing tantrums. Charlie rushed to the nearest fast food restaurant and bought her a ton of junk food.

She stuffed it all down without saying "thanks" or anything. This day was actually going okay. When she finally got ready for bed, she thought, _Hm. If the rest of my days here go like this too, maybe this place will actually be a -2 on the Awesomeness Meter instead of a -300000. Maybe._

The next day, Bella found herself face-to-face with a "bully" at school.

"So, ya think that being the _new girl_ makes you "_special_"?" The "bully" was really getting to her now.

"GET OUTTA MY STUPID FRICKIN' FACE BEFORE I PUNCH YOU IN A VERY SENSITIVE SPOT!" Bella screeched at the boy for a long, long time, but of course the teachers pretended not to notice.

Bella smirked. She had scared the bully into hibernation for at least 6 years. Now all the kids stared at her in awe and even admiration in the rarest of cases. Bella enjoyed doing this, mainly because all of the people her couldn't stop her. Everyone was scared of her, even the principal, who was afraid enough to not call Charlie.

Of course no one would dare to expel her, in fear of her wrath, but a principal's limit can only be so far…

**A/N: A shortie once more! MWA HAHAHA! Okay, I think this is getting to my brain. Whatever. Review! That little button down there can do wonders!**


	6. Chapter 5

**A/N: Okay guys! I'm feeling so nice I'm gonna update! I'm in China so feel grateful that I'm using my time to update!**

**Disclaimer:**

**Well, Miss Principal?**

"**Oh, that imbecile…"**

**The disclaimer please.**

"**Oooh, when I get my hands on her…"**

**THE DISCLAIMER!**

"**Oh, right. Firacentra doesn't own Twilight."**

**Hhhh.**

When Bella got to school the next day, the principal stalked up to her.

"Ms. Swan-" Bella gritted her teeth but didn't interrupt, "do you _know _how much trouble you're in, young lady?"

Bella looked up at the principal, her eyes pretty much closed in her state of extreme boredom. "Ya huh?"

The principal seemed startled at the defiance this girl had. Normally all the kids cowered before her, but this girl just seemed to defy her. "Miss Swan, you will meet me behind the gym after school hours and we will discuss your punishment for your behavior."

"No, I don't think that I'll meet you there and discuss my _punishment_. Oh yeah, and it's Miss _Awesomeness _to you," Bella sneered the last word with contempt.

"How do your parents treat you at home? Some kids become bullies due to bad treatment at home. Is that it? You know, I can help you with that."

Bella suddenly broke down into (fake) tears. "Y-y-yes, I a-a-am h-having tr-trouble, b-b-but my parents th-th-threaten me with b-b-b-beatings if I t-tell."

The principal gasped. Of course, Bella aced in drama and lies, so who wouldn't believe her? "Oh you poor dear, you must be so terrified!"

While the principal ranted on and on about how she could help and stuff, Bella smirked inwardly and slipped away to her first class, math. When she arrived, she acted as if nothing whatsoever had happened, and the teacher didn't suspect anything.

"Miss Swan, report to the principal's office. I repeat, Miss Swan, GET YOUR BUTT IN MY OFFICE RIGHT THIS INSTANT YOUNG LADY!"

Bella walked reluctantly over, because she didn't feel like listening about the foil method. Apparently the principal had found out that she had been lying, because she was in a pretty foul mood when Bella got there.

As soon as she saw Bella though, her face changed to a half poker-face half sweet expression. "Well, I think that you'll be sorry soon."

With that, she sent Bella out again. Since Bella's brain was pretty small, she didn't get it. So she just shrugged and went off to math again.

The next morning, Bella left for school a little early because she wanted to punch someone without too many witnesses. Problem was, the principal was there, ready to start her plan. As soon as Bella entered the parking lot in her Ferrari, the principal drove over in her bulky Ford. Just then Edward came.

Tired by walking over, he was practically crawling with exhaustion. He tried to stop the principal's car from crashing into Bella, which was the principal's intention, but all that happened was:

The Ford came towards the Ferrari.

Bella jumped out and punched someone in the gut. ("OWWW!")

The principal couldn't stop her Ford and came crashing into the Ferrari.

Edward rushed in, thinking Bella was still in the Ferrari.

Edward became- you guessed it- mush.

Just then the small, shorty girl came. All she said was: "Like, omigosh!" and she walked away.

**A/N: Yes, Alice has turned Valley Girl! Mwa ha ha ha… I will turn this story to evilness! My brain's going weird. Bye peeps!**


	7. Chapter 6

**A/N: *sigh*. No reviews. Oh well. I'll just keep going on with the story! You didn't think that just because Edward died the story ended, did you? NOPE! Anyways, the principal's still mad. I'm not going to update often because I just don't have the time, but I'll try my best!**

**Okay then… the disclaimer:**

**Ahem. Ahem. Hem. Alice?**

**Like, what?**

**Alice, the disclaimer.**

**Wait, soon as I, like, paint my nails barf.**

**WHAT?**

**Hhhh. Someone like you wouldn't get it at all, like, TOTALLY!**

**ALICE, JUST GET ON WITH THE STINKIN' DISCLAIMER! **

***sticks tongue out* Like, is this "in" right now? Like, saying, like, "hurry up" and all that? Really, peeps, like **_**totally!**_

***talks through gritted teeth* ALICE. IF. YOU. DON'T. SAY. IT. I. WILL. PUNCH. YOUR. LIGHTS. OUT. SO HURRY UP AND SAY IT ALREADY!**

**Hm. Like, I totally don't know if my nails should be a barfy green, or a barfy brown….**

**ALICE! THAT'S THE LAST STRAW! *tackles Alice to the ground in a flurry of feathers… * Wait, why the feathers? Whatever.**

***muffled voice* OKAY, OKAY! LIKE, FIRACENTRA DOESN'T OWN TWILIGHT…..!**

***pants* Better.**

**And now, on with the story!**

The principal was seething. No matter what she did, the stupid Bella just always seemed to ruin it… Oh well, she'd think of something. Bella just got on everyone's nerves. This principle wasn't going to back down. Then a crazy idea came across her mind. She could get arrested for it. The principle of Forks Cottage… whoops, High School was officially _mad_.

On Tuesday night, the principal grabbed a flashlight, a knife, and a cloth. She draped the humongous white cloth over herself, with eyes cut out. Then she looked in the directory for Bella's address.

She drove in her car all the way to Bella's house. She tried the door. It was unlocked! What kind of household did her parents keep? She stalked up the stairs as quietly as she could, trying not to make any noise, but that was kind of hard, considering she was fat. The principal turned on the flashlight, and continued on her way up the stairs.

There seemed to be some sort of construction going on at the back. Then a door that said "BELLA" appeared in front of her face. It was probably Bella's room (DUH) so she quietly opened the door. Then she took out the knife. Then she stalked up to the bed. Then… "!"

The person in the bed screamed so loudly the principal's eardrums popped. This wasn't Bella… this was a man!

The principal ran out of the house, down the street, and into her car. WHAT THE HECK! Where'd Bella go? And why was it that this plan got foiled too?

She did some questioning, and apparently Bella wanted a bigger room, so their house was going under construction. The workers slept in the house while Bella and her dad took residence at The King's Hotel, the richest and finest of hotels in the world, and just so happened to be in Seattle. The principal pounded her head on her desk. Why did these kinds of things just have to happen to her?

The next morning, when Bella went to school, there were rumors flying about how she was the un-awesomest person in the world. It was a really lame rumor, but it worked. Bella became outrageous. Two guesses who started the rumor.

The principal had seriously gone mad. She was cackling in her office. Bella was shouting and screaming, and all the while, nobody noticed the principal's absence. Usually the principal came to these kinds of outrages of Bella. Then someone went to check her office.

Of course, she was lying on her chair, not moving. At first, the person (named Bob, by the way) thought she was asleep. But no. He took a closer look. She was _dead_! Was she murdered? There was no evidence of blood… _There was a cup on her desk!_ Was it poisoned?

**A/N: Cliffhanger! If you're wondering, Bella's car did get scratched a lot. Her dad kept buying her new ones. For those of you interested in his bank account balance, he owes $1,000,000,000,000,000 to the bank now.**


End file.
